Q: My kids are constantly fighting. How can I help them to get along better? How do I deal with sibling rivalry? 

A: Siblings will always quarrel and there is nothing you can do to stop it altogether. It is a normal part of being in a family. However, there are things you can do to help things be healthy and manageable. 

THE BASICS: 
  • It is important to identify why the kids are fighting each time. There are many different reasons
  1.                     they might be bored, hungry or tired
  2.                     they might be seeking your attention
  3.                     they might feel jealous or resentful of the other children
  4.                     they may feel that their space has been invaded 
  5.                     they may feel frustrated because of age or temperament differences
  • There are immediate problems that siblings face, say fighting over the same toy and then there are more long range, deeper problems, such as favoritism that affect the ways that siblings interact. 
  • A new sibling can cause many feelings that foster rivalry. 
  • Keep in mind that children are always learning about themselves and the dynamics of family relationships. While it may be disruptive and annoying, these conflicts are a learning process. 
  • Children under stress can have more problems getting along with family members. 
  • Children who are close in age may be expected to behave similarly which can cause stress. 
  • Because they are still learning about themselves, sibling rivalry can be a way for children to seek their own power. They are exploring their own ability to control others. 




WHAT CAN WE DO: 
  • Determine what the possible causes of the fight may be. Are the kids hungry, tired? Are they just bored and looking for a fight for something to do? Meeting a child’s basic needs can prevent conflicts. 
  • Try to ignore mild quarrels. If no one is in danger of getting hurt, let some time pass before stepping in to allow kids to practice solving things themselves. 
  • Make sure you praise children when they do solve issues themselves. Use specific phrases such as “I like the way you asked Jane nicely to hand you that toy” or “thanks for listening to why your sister was upset and changing your behavior”
  • Don’t play favorites- although it is natural always think carefully about your own behavior.
  • Make time if possible for one on one time with each child. 
  • Teach kids about win/win solutions to problems. Take time when things are not problematic to explore conflict resolution skills. 
  • When you do intervene make sure you are a guide in the resolution and try not to lay down the law. Listen to both sides and then ask what solutions they might like to try. Check back to see how things are working out. 
  • Try not to compare kids to each other. Avoid labeling kids. These things just contribute to natural feelings of jealousy between kids. 
  • Keep yourself calm. This is normal behavior and it is actually beneficial as kids are developing some important social skills. Make sure everyone is safe and then think of it as a teachable moment. 




FOR MORE INFO: 
http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/SibRiv.pdf
Sibling Competition Effects by Dr. Sylvia Rimm
Sibling Rivalry: Your Child: University of Michigan Health System
Coping with Sibling Conflict
Handling Sibling Rivalry (Child Development Institute)

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